The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes

"Have you heard the latest blonde joke?"
"Hey, can't you see I'm blonde?"
"Oh, that's all right. I'll tell it very slowly and explain any big words."

Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
'Cause they make them feel famous!
Thanks to belerjaz@micron.net, for suggesting this one!

Blondes and Computers

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
How do you know if a blonde has been playing with your computer?
The joystick is wet.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
The Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes & Computers Don't Mix
10. "Like, there's more numbers than 0 and 1!"
9. It's not easy to remove fingernail polish from the keys.
8. Too many broken nails jam the keyboard.
7. The alphabet is not in the right order on the keyboard.
6. When blondes make a mistake with a computer there's
no one to sleep with to forget it ever happened.
5. Computers refuse to answer when blondes talk to them.
4. Blondes can't figure out which key starts the food processor.
3. Joysticks don't work very well when they're wet.
2. The screen can't handle that much whiteout.
1. They keep trying to force feed cheese to the mouse.

Sex related

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.
What is a blonde girl with huge lungs especially good for?
The Jacuzzi.
Why is a blonde like a stamp?
They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way.
Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
Give her a cock and she's ready to blow!
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
1. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
2. You can't get a blonde in a bowling ball.
How are blondes and bowling balls alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.
Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends.
Why are blondes like TVs?
Any three year old can turn them on.
What is the difference between blondes and hookers?
Blondes cost less per score.
What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde?
A dick
What is the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
The rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo" while the blonde says "Any cock'll do."
What is a blonde's mating call?
"I'm so drunk!"
What is the ugly blonde's mating call?
"I said, 'I'm so drunk!'"
What is the brunette's mating call?
"Are the blondes gone?"
What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette ?
A blonde doing cartwheels
Why don't blondes in San Franscisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show!
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself, gets dressed, and goes home.
Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop!
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
How can you tell when a blonde has just eaten?
The belt buckle marks on her forehead.
How does a blonde prefer her eggs in the morning?
Unfertilized.
What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
What do a blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have little black boxes and cockpits.
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend your Porsche to your friends.
What do you call a blond in a Volkswagon?
Farfromthinkin.
Why is a blonde like a railway track?
She gets laid all over the country.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
Why don't blondes like to wear hoop earings?
Because their feet keep getting caught.
Why do blondes like to wear hoop earings?
To hold their ankles in.
Why did the blonde have a bruised belly-button?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs.
What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.
How do you give a blonde more headroom?
Adjust the steering wheel.
Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.
Why can't blondes drive?
Because, once they get in the front seat they don't know what to do.
Why does a blonde wear panties?
To keep her ankles warm.
What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A blonde serves more people in a night.
How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
Opens the car door.
What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend?
"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!
What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.
Why is a blonde's coffin triangular?
Because when she lies on her back,her legs open
Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They are both fucked when they're on their back.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
How is a blonde like a hardware store?
Two cents a screw!
What's the difference between a blonde and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to say no.
What's the first thing a blonde says after having sex?
"Are all you guys on the same team?"
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
"No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't whine when you pull your meat out of it.
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three weeks after you dump your load into it.
I heard the same joke regarding a blonde and a toilet, but this version is (slightly) nicer.
What do a blonde and a washing machine have in common?
They both leak when they're fucked.
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
After you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around.
What do blondes and screen doors have in common?
The harder you slam them, the looser they get
Why did the blonde fail the driving test?
- She couldn't learn to sit up in a car.
- Every time the car stopped, she jumped in the back seat.
Why do blondes like sun roofs?
More leg room
What do you call a blonde that jumps out of an airplane?
A sex bomb.
What do you call a virgin blonde?
- A myth
- A newborn
What did santa say when he saw the three blondes?
Ho Ho Ho!
What's the difference between a beautiful blonde in the daytime and at night?
In the daytime she is fair and buxom.
What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.
What is a blonde's favourite food?
Cumcakes.
Why did the blond quit using her vibrator?
It kept chipping her teeth.
Why did the blonde refuse brain surgery?
Her boyfriend already gave her enough head.
What do a blonde and a ship have in common?
They both hold a lot of seamen
How can you tell if a blonde has been in the fridge?
There's lipstick on the cucumber.
What does a blonde consider "safe sex"?
- A padded headboard.
- Locking her car door.
Why is it hard for a blonde to count to 70?
Because 69 is such a mouthful.
What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose?
Sweetheart!
What do a blonde and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Why did the paint manufacturer call its new color "blonde"?
It's not to bright, it's cheap, and it spreads real easy.
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.". The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one to ever ask that after a tonsillectomy."
"Hello ?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello ?"
"I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered.
"Scheesch ! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hellos ?"
Even the Russians have blonde jokes (told after the coup attempt):
- What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
  They both got fucked by ten men while on vacation.
- What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
  He knows who the ten men were.

Dumb blonde

What are the two hardest years in a blonde's life?
Sixth grade.
There are three 6th grade girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?
The blonde....she's 18.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her report card?
She got an "F" in sex!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
How do a blonde's braincells die?
Alone.
Did you hear about the three blonds who froze to death?
They went to the drive-in theatre to see "Closed For The Winter".
Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
Her blinker was on.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant ?
Her legs
How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
And when a brunette dyes her hair blonde?
A lobotomy
How does a blonde part their hair?
By doing the splits.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth? Einstein's dick!
When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
After a dye job.
What do blonde lesbians do?
They sleep with men.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Why do blondes poof their hair up so high?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
So you can park in the handicap zone.
What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
The winner of a game of hide-and-seek
What does a blonde say when she opens a box of Cheerios?
Look at all the doughnut seeds!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke on Friday.
What did the blonde get on her I.Q. Test?
Lipstick.
What do you call a blonde on a college campus?
A visitor.
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A hide and seek champion.
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why did the blonde have a hard time making Kool-Aid?
She couldn't get all the water in the little packet.
Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet?
She thought it was diet coke!
If a blonde and a brunette fell from a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
1. The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask directions.
2. The brunette. The blonde is such an airhead that she would float to the ground.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
How can you tell if a cat is blonde?
No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head!
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
Because she threw out all the bent ones.
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the "W's"
Why did the blonde hate to eat M&M's?
They were so hard to peel.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her to alphabetize the M&M's...
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
An IN-body experience!
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
With a tire pressure gauge!
When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why couldn't the blonde make ice-cubes?
She couldn't find the recipe
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to re-train them.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
There is a note where the microwave used to be that says "Thanks for the TV!!"
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up
What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her?
When I'm rich, I'm gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.
Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains?
Her husband died
What did the blonde do when she learned that ninety percent of all driving accidents occur within ten miles of the home?
She moved.
What did the blonde do when she got her period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.
How do you know when a blonde is having her period?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat".
How do you confuse a blonde?
1. You don't. They're born that way.
2. Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner.
3. Purple.
4. I'll tell you tomorrow.
Why did the blonde drop out of her remedial math class?
She thought the marking system was unfair because only one in twenty students graduated in the top 20%.
Did you hear about the three blondes driving to Disneyland? They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they went home.
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A blonde picking her nose.
What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
Went looking for the three guys.
Have you heard that the D.O.T. is requiring that auto manufactures put the dimmer switches back on the floor boards of cars?
Blondes keep getting their feet caught in the steering wheels.
Why did the blonde sell her car?
To get gas money
What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?
Gee, I hope it's mine.
Three pregnant women, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde are talking about their pregnancies.
Says the brunette: "I know my baby will be a boy, because my man was on top of me when I conceived."
Says the redhead: "I'm going to have a girl, because I was riding him when I became pregnant."
Looking worried, the blonde squeals: "Uh Oh!!! I'm going to have puppies!!!"
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress(reading her nametag)?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
What did the blonde do when she wanted a personalized licence plate?
She changed her name to "ZRF-542".
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.
How do blondes count?
1,2,3,another,another,another...
How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton for hours?
Because she noticed the word "concentrate" on the container.
What do you see when you look deep into a blonde's eyes ?
The back of her head
What do you call a dozen blondes in the freezer?
Frosted flakes.
What did the blonde say after her boyfriend blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.
What's it called when one blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer...
Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!
Why did the blonde have a square chest?
She forgot to take the tissue out of the box
What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side?
A wind tunnel.
What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of the empty room?
Central air
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Married
Why did 18 blondes go to the movies?
Because the sign said "No one under 17 admitted."
How do you know when you get a fax from a blond?
It has a stamp on it
Why did the blonde tip toe by the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
- Five: one to make the batter and four to squeeze the rabbits.
- Five: one to make the dough, four to peel the M&M's
How can you tell a blonde coyote?
She's the one who chews off three legs and is still caught in the trap.
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you call a circle of blondes?
A dope ring.
What do you call a pile of blondes laying on top of each other?
Air mattress
How do you measure a blondes I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- You're in the dark with a blonde, what do you care about a light bulb?
- One, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.
- Two, one to hold the ladder and one to cry "Daddy!"
- "What's a lightbulb?"
- 100. One to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house.
- Stupid, blondes don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in the back of cars.
How long did it take a blonde to screw in a light-bulb?
I don't know, she's still looking in the phone book for a guy named Lightbulb, Ina.
How can you tell if a blonde is high?
You can't.
Why does a blond whistle when she pees?
So she remembers which lips to wipe.
Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
Because the sign said "Wet Floor"
What do you call a blonde that just got electrecuted?
Simple circuit.
A blonde walked into a bar.
She said, "Ouch!".
How did the blond try to kill the fish?
She drowned it.
How did the blond try to kill the bird.
She threw it off a cliff.
Why did the blonde start taking the pill?
So she would know what day it was.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out.
Why do blondes drive BMW's?
Because they are easy to spell
How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She got hit by the zamboni.
What goes VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM!
A blonde at a flashing red light.
Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?
Because she thought her maxi had wings!!
Did you hear about the blonde who thought the Bermuda Triangle was a love affair in Florida?
A blonde driving a brand new car is car-jacked at gun point.
The police question her, and she responds: "I don't remember what he looked like, but I can give you his license plate number."
Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
She thought it was a big car far away.
How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
Trying to put batteries in it.
Why do blondes put T.G.I.F. on their shoes ?
Toes Go In First
Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
Tits Go In Front
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a smart blonde and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Did you hear about the blonde who ran out of room to write on a transparency sheet?
She turned it over and used the other side
What got the blonde bookkeeper in trouble?
She absconded with the accounts payable.
Blonde inventions
1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlight
4. Submarine screen door
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart board
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical pencil sharpener
9. Ejector seat in a helicopter
10. Powdered water
11. Pedal-powered wheel chairs
12. Waterproof tea bags
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.
Why did the blonde take his typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Why can't blondes become pharmacists?
They can't fit the bottles in the typewriter.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
When asked "Have you ever read Shakespeare?", the blonde replied "No, who wrote it?"
What's the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart?
A cart has a mind of its own.
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
She said "Yes, I've seen it done."
What is the definition of "gross ignorance"?
144 blondes
Two girls were strolling down the street when the redhead exclaimed, "Oh, how sad--a dead bird."
The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
Have you heard about the abortion clinic for blondes?
It has a year-long waiting list!
Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over ninety miles an hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Shit," cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looked and said "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They kept arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later they were both killed by a train.
Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?
So she won't shit on the street during a parade.
A blonde walks into an electronics store and says, "I'd like to buy that tv please."
The salesperson replies, "I'm sorry. We don't sell to blondes here."
The blonde goes home and dyes her hair brown, and a few days later returns to the store, again asking to buy the tv.
"I told you, we don't sell to blondes, miss. Please go home!" the salesperson tells her.
The blonde goes home, shaves her head and puts on a baseball cap. In a few days she asks once again to buy the tv.
"We just don't sell to blondes here! Please, give up! Go home!" the salesperson exclaims.
"I dyed my hair, you still knew I was blonde. I shaved my head and wore a hat, you still knew I was blonde! How do you know?" she cries, exasperated.
The salesperson points to the item she wants. "Well, first of all, that's a microwave..."
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Three women walk into a bar. The bartender asks the brunette what she would like to drink.
She replies, "RW."
The bartender looks puzzled, so she explains that, "RW equals red wine."
The bartender then asks the redhead what she would like to drink and she replies, "WW."
The bartender replies, "White wine, right?"
Then the bartender asks the blonde what she would like to drink and she replies, "15, you know, 7 & 7."
Take a little piece of paper and write the following on both sides of it:
"How can you keep a blonde busy for hours? See other side to find out!"
This blonde girl was thrilled to get a jigsaw puzzle for her birthday. She set all of the pieces out on a card table and every day when she got home she'd set out to work on it. Finally, one day she jumped up from the table and ran to the phone. "Sylvia!" she cried, "Remember the puzzle you gave me? I finished it!"
"Gee Tiffany, that's great," responded her friend after a little hesitation. "But you mean to say it took you three months to put it together?"
"Not bad, eh?" Tiffany said proudly. "On the box it says, 'Two to five years.'"
A blonde went into a doctors office for a physical she must take for her new job. The doctor told her to go into the exam room and get undressed and to take off the headphones she was wearing. The blonde looked at the doctor and said "I can't, I'll die!" To avoid arguing with her he motioned to the room and told her to go in and get ready.
A little later the doctor came into the room and noticed she still had the headphones on. Again, he told her to take them off for the exam. Again, she replied, "I can't, I'll die!" To avoid confrontation the doctor began his exam, starting at the bottom and working his way up.
When he got to her head he looked at her eyes, down her throat and up her nose. When the doctor finished he gently lifted the earphone off her ear to look inside. Suddenly the blonde dropped over dead! The doctor had no success reviving her, but he heard a voice coming for the headset so he picked it up to listen. He heard a voice on the headphones saying "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."
A blonde competed with a redhead and a brunette in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The redhead came in first, the brunette second. The blonde finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
A blonde is pulled over for speeding.
Cop: "Can I see your drivers license please?"
Blonde: "What's that?"
Cop: "It's that card with your picture on it."
Blonde: "Oh! Right here."
Cop: "Your registration."
Blonde: "What's that?"
Cop: "It's those papers saying that this is your car."
Blonde: "Oh! Here you go."
The the cop takes his dick out of his pants.
Blonde: "Oh-no! not another breathalizer test!"
There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes.
One day she decided to get a makeover so she cut and dyed her hair brunette. She went driving down a country road, looking for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"Okay."
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.
"Sure."
So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" asked the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A blonde has been attending Blonde International Training College, a school set up to give blondes a chance to make it in the real world, for 10 years. She keeps failing this one class that she needs to graduate : basic math. The administrators need to get her out to make room for new students, but can't just give her the grade. So, they instead decide to ask her a simple math question at the graduation ceremony. If she answers correctly, she graduates.
Sure enough, she fails the class again, and shouldn't walk across the stage, but the admins invite her to the ceremony. They stand her before everyone and say, "Although you lack one class for graduation, we have decided to pass you if you can answer this one question. What is two plus two?" The blonde thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Four." The crowd stands up in objection and demands, "Give her another chance!!"

A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air." The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The flight attendant tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant, who asks the woman to leave. Again, she says "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke. She sais, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Wyoming?"
She quickly replied, "W"

A blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde sitting in the middle of a field trying to row a boat. "It's blondes like her that that give blondes like me a bad name," she thought. She stopped her car got out and yelled, "Look at you. You're trying to row a boat in the middle of a field! If I could swim I'd kick your butt!"
Thanks to Russell (rlane@nemonet.com), who sent me this one!

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stuck on a deserted island. They find a magic lamp, and when they rub it a genie appears. Because there are three of them, they get one wish each.
The brunette says "I miss my family and I want to go home." POOF!, the brunette was gone.
The redhead makes the same wish and POOF! she was gone as well.
Finally the blonde makes her wish. "Gee, I miss my friends," she says. "I wish they were back here with me."
Thanks to zymirski@cadvision.com, who sent me this one!

There are three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, stranded on an island 20 miles away from the nearest land. The brunette decided to try to swim to shore. She got 5 miles and got tired, but she kept going. She got 5 miles more but then she drowned. The redhead was stronger, so she decided to try. She got about 10 miles, and got tired, but she also kept going and drowned. The blonde was the strongest of the three, and decided to try. She got 15 miles, when she got tired. She kept going until she was one mile from land. She decided that she was too tired, so she turned around and went back.
Thanks to Jenna (jenna27@hotmail.com), who sent me this one!

A blonde walks in to a bar and sits down to order a drink. The next thing she knows a little man dressed in green comes up to her.
Man: Today is your lucky day miss. I am a Leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes, but only if you do me a favor for each one.
Blonde: OK. For my first wish I wish for a new car.
Leprechaun: Done. Your new car is outside in the parking lot with the keys in it. Now for your favor to me I want you to jerk me off.
The blonde thinks it over...
Blonde: Well, OK.
They go into the dark, back corner of the bar and she jerks him off.
Leprechaun: OK what do you want for your next wish?
Blonde: You know I just got fired from my job. I could use some extra cash. I wish for a million dollars.
Leprechaun: Done. The money is on the trunk of your new car. Now in return I want you to give me a blow job.
The blonde thinks it over...
Blonde: Well, OK.
Again they go into the corner and she goes down on him.
Leprechaun: One more wish my dear. What is it you want most?
Blonde: Well, I'm tired of always being taken advantage of just because I am blonde. I want a boyfriend who loves me, won't leave me, is strong, smart and very good looking.
Leprechaun: Done. Your new boyfriend is sitting in the car right now. All I want is for you to fuck me.
The blonde thinks it over...and agrees. They go to the back corner and fuck. The blonde stands up and gets dressed and she starts walking to the door.
Leprechaun: Just out of curiosity, how old are you?
Blonde: I'm 28 why?
Leprechaun: You are 28 and you still believe in Leprechauns!?!
Thanks to Dravin00@aol.com, who sent me this one!

A blonde goes into a telegram office to send a message to her mother who is visiting relatives overseas. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He takes her into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says,
"Hello...Mom?"

A blonde is driving along the highway in her Volkswagen Beetle when she sees another blonde on the side of the road standing at the front of another Beetle with the hood up. Thinking that she may be able to help she pulls over and asks the other blonde what the problem is.
"Well I was just driving along on the highway when suddenly the car died, I pulled over and popped the hood and saw that my engine was gone," replied the second blonde.
"Well not to worry," replied the first, "I have a spare one in my trunk."
Thanks to Wayne (wbaxt@it.new.iscorltd.co.za), who sent me this one!

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are in a car in the desert when it breaks down. They get ready to walk back to town.
Redhead: I'll bring a thermos of water in case we get thirsty along the way.
Brunette: I'll bring a box of sandwiches. We may get hungry.
Blonde: I'll bring the car door. That way, if we get too hot we can roll down the window.
Thanks to Nofear9606@aol.com, who sent me this one!

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
Thanks to rosenkrantz@sisna.com, who suggested this one!

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry, very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She points the gun to her own head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office. She went into the examination room and said, "Doctor, I have a bullet hole in my hand and I don't know where it came from!" The doctor asked, "Have you had any personal experience with a gun recently?" The blonde replied, "Well, yesterday I was going to commit suicide. At first I was going to hold my breath till I died. I couldn't do it though. Then I was going to shoot myself in the stomach. That was too bloody. So I decided to shoot myself in the head. So I put the gun up to my ear and I put my other hand on my other ear because I knew gunshots were loud, you know?" The doctor nodded. "Well, then I pulled the trigger and the next thing I knew there was a hole in my hand!"
Thanks to Ed (eddie@gemstate.net), who gave me this one!

Other Blonde Jokes

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Hide her hairbrush.
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
Why can't blondes fart?
They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure
Why do blondes smile when they see lightning?
They think they are getting their picture taken.
What do you get when you turn three blondes upside down?
Two brunettes and a red head.
How can you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker then the rest.
Finally, a joke that I have resisted adding here for the longest time. I just don't think it is funny (or representative of blonde stereotypes). Nevertheless, I get it submitted about three times per week. So here it is:
What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.