The Internet's Smallest
Collection of Latin Jokes
The Latin professor was uncharacteristically late in returning home.
His wife was
starting to worry when he entered the house. His hair was disheveled,
his clothes
were torn, his glasses were broken, and his left eye was starting to
swell up. "What happened to you?"
"My dear, you won't believe it. On my way home from school I was set
upon by a bunch of hoodla."
He was so upset that he went to a bar near his house for a drink to
settle his nerves. "What'll it be?" asked the bartender.
"A martinus," said the professor.
"Don't you mean martini?"
"If I wanted more than one I'd ask for more than one."
The Latin professor's class was conjugating verbs and it got to be
Julius's turn. He had not
been paying close attention. He turned to the student beside him and
asked, "What's the verb?"
She replied, "Damn if I know."
So our hero sat up and conjugated:
Damifino, damifinas, damifinat.
Damifinamus, damifinatis, damifinant.
Most of the following two-way translations are samples from a
book by Henry Beard entitled "Latin for Even More Occasions" (Lingua
Latina Multa Pluribus Occasionibus):
- Valeo--Vales.
- I'm OK--You're OK.
- Rosa rosa rosa est est.
- A rose is a rose is a rose.
- Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
- Go with the flow.
- In curro meo ab Officina Baiuoaria Mechanica fabricato habeo
machinam quae litteras per aethera transmittit.
- I have a fax machine in my BMW.
- Quid agis, caput assulae?
- How's hacking, chiphead?
- Quid gurgustium!
- What a dump!
- Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax
materiam possit materiari?
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- Malum Magnum
- The Big Apple
- Oppidum Bracteatum
- Tinsel Town
- Heia, comes, num aliquid agitur?
- Hey, you got a problem, pal?
- Quando prandimus?
- What time is lunch?
- Tam diu minime visu!
- Long time no see!
- Vale, lacerte!
- See you later, alligator!
- Hocine tibi habeas iocum?
- Is this your idea of a joke?
- Proxima sed non corona.
- Close but no cigar.
- Semper ubi sub ubi!
- always wear underwear
American Pie (Don McLean)
Abhinc multos, multos annos
Memini adhuc
Quo modo illa musica faciebat me ridere
Et scivi si haberem meam casum
Possem facere illos hominos saltare
Et forsitan essent laeti brevi tempore
Sed Februarius fecit me horrere
Cum omne acta diurna trado
Mali nuntii in ianua
Non poteram facere unum plus passum
Non possum meminisci si lacrimavi
Cum legerem de nupta sine marita
Aliquid tetigit me intime
Illo die
Cum musica mortua esset.
Inceperunt cantare:
Vale, vale Domina America crusta
Vectus sum me carrum ad tumultus in flumine
sed tumultus in flumine erat aridus
Et boni antiqui pueri bibebant vinum et secale
Cantantes hoc futurum esse diem in quo ego moriae
diem in quo ego moriar.
Friday I'm in Love (The Cure)
Non curo si dies Lunae caerulus est
Dies Martis gratus est,
Et dies Mercurii quoque
Dies Iovis, non curo de te,
Sed die Veneris, adamo.
Dies Lunae, potes diffringere.
Dies Martis Mercuriique cordem meum frangunt,
Dies Iovis non incipit,
Sed die Veneris adamo.
Dies Saturni expectat,
Dies Solus semper nimis serius venit.
Non curo si Dies Lunae niger est.
Dies Martis Mercuriique, infarctio cordis,
Dies Iovis numquam retrospectat,
Sed die Veneris adamo.
If you know any more Latin jokes (especially if they don't require a lot
of Latin knowledge on the reader's part), please e-mail me at dadams@falcon.cc.ukans.edu. I will gladly cite your contribution on this page.
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Copyright ©1995, Douglas Adams
Last updated 9 October, 1996